I start 2014 with 2 realisations:
1) A New Year's resolution to write at least one new blog post a week.
2) A commitment to review every single free book I download on my kindle.
*
*Looking at kindle and looking up books that are free, I've now realised that this would mean reviewing 1000s of books, some in different languages. Huh.
Occasionally, a free download will actually turn out well. More often, it reminds me that I've wasted several hours of my life trudging through a book no editor has ever been near.
This is why I’ve decided to have a section on Free Kindle books for the win, and Free Kindle books to steer clear of.
Free Kindle book for the win:
UnEnchanted (An Unfortunate Fairy Tale-Chanda Hahn
(http://www.amazon.co.uk/UnEnchanted-An-Unfortunate-Fairy-Tale-ebook/dp/B006ROK1UM/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1389801521&sr=8-2&keywords=unfortunate+fairy+tales)
This is a fun book about a 17 year old, social outcast called Mina Grime. From an early stage in her life, strange things have happened around her. Her mother's reaction so far has been to flee the state every time her bizarre antics draw attention.
The story starts on a disastrous fieldtrip where she ends up saving her crush who's about to fall into a pit. Later events convince us that her mother was right to be wary. Her real name in fact is Mina Grimm and her family has been cursed with being forced to re-enact all the Grimm fairy tales or die trying.
Good points-
1) Well-written-story flows along smoothly and steers clear of most stereotypes found in YA novel, e.g. very minimal commentary on the apparent cliques of American high schools, which I’m convinced only exist in books and novels. There is still some given she has a crush on the most popular guy, who is (naturally) dating the most popular girl, who again appears to be popular out of fear. I think this is a more realistic proposal when a high school is based in a small town, but this phenomenon appears in pretty much every high school based book or film ever.
2) Developed side characters-her best friend is relatable. Her brother who refuses to speak ever still manages to make his presence known by indulging in truly odd food combinations. The friendship between the best friend and strange brother is sweet.
3) It was free a book that made me want to buy the next book.
Bad points-
1) Halfway through, a good looking but jerky guy turns up. It seems that the author is planning to create a love triangle. This literary device is not only overplayed but also seldom convincing (as an aside, like anyone though Bella was going to end up with Jacob, that was dumb from the get go).
Verdict: This book made me want to continue, and intertwined fairy tales and modern society in a novel and interesting way. Strong side-characters who are likely to get their own story arcs makes me happy I discovered this author.
Terrible free book of the week
The wishing well (the Paradan Tales)-Holly Zitting
(http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Wishing-Well-Paradan-Tales-ebook/dp/B00B7WJOY8/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1389801568&sr=1-1&keywords=the+wishing+well)
Centred on a girl called Aurora, apparently being bullied because she’s pretty. Ordinarily I would stop reading right then and there because that it is the dumbest reason for anyone to be a social outcast ever. She also spends her time at school being active in student government and helping kids with special needs. Kill. Me. Now. So the main character, who apparently has no friends while coming across as a (unrealistically) nice person, is crouched in the bucket of a giant well, trying to hide from kids who hate her because she’s beautiful.
Unsurprisingly, given the title, she falls into the well and wakes up in a land called Paradan, whereupon she’s becomes enslaved and is forced to serve in the castle.
Reasons why this book is bad:
1) Unbelievable premise-they hate her because she’s beautiful. Her social life revolves around student government and helping kids with special needs.
2) Paradan-The world building is unbelievably weak in this book. It’s never explained why in this world of elves, giants, fairies and dragons, why humans rule over everything. Human royal families make no sense in this context, and also suggest that there are alternative ways in and out of Paradan besides a wishing well. It’s also not explained really why King Tommit managed to gain the throne and why once he was there, he was so awful.
3) The lost heir-it made no sense why Aura wouldn’t tell anyone about her child and would give him away for a fairy family to raise. It also made no sense why her love for Kind Windom had to be kept secret or why she wouldn’t say anything when her father decided to invade Paradan. For one thing, if they were in love, a dynastic marriage would have solved everything. So the situation that gave way to King Windom dying without a known heir and King Tommit becoming the new ruler made no sense.
4) The love interest-Cassius, a good looking stable boy (who’s secretly the heir to the throne) because this book didn’t have enough clichés in it already.
5) Ending set up to gear way to an unnecessary sequel. For no reason, despite the fact that she’s in love and barely remembers Oregon or her parents, and despite the fact that two pages back she had reached a different conclusion, she uses one of the only wishes left in Paradan to go home. Hence, the need for another book explaining how she gets back again.
Verdict: Too many flaws. You should only read this book if you want to be that person who throws their kindle into a wall out of frustration. It would have almost worked as a self-contained book, but the very flimsy premise on which it spawns a sequel makes it terrible.
Wednesday 15 January 2014
Saturday 30 June 2012
Recent good reads
Recently I have been studying for exams and hence not spending as much time blogging about what I’ve been reading. I’ve still been reading though because studying is impossible without procrastination.
Graceling-Kristin Cashore-
In this world children born with differently coloured eyes (such as one blue and one green) are Graced with an exceptional skill. These children are ostracised by people around them so if you’re skill is exceptionally lame (such as being able to breathe underwater for a really long time) then being Graced is not fun. The central character of this book is Katsa who is ‘gifted’ with the Grace of Killing. Great. Unfortunately this means that she has the incredibly fun role of being the King’s (her uncle’s) enforcer. To make up for this Katsa has created a network of assistance across the seven kingdoms which seeks to perform good deeds and interconnect everyone into a positive circle. Katsa is essentially going about her normal business until she rescues the King of Lienid’s kidnapped father, bringing her into contact with his grandson. His grandson is pretty hot and gifted with the Grace of Fighting which is pretty cool. He’s also probably one of the nicest characters to be a love interest in any book I’ve read so far. He has absolutely no demons which cause him to push away the heroine or say things which create misunderstandings. For this I applaud the author. His appearance causes Katsa to question the state of things around her, leading to repercussions which I look forward to reading about.
Verdict: Very good book and an interesting start to a series.
The Kane Chronicles-the Red Pyramid, the Throne of Fire, the Serpent’s Shadow.
This series was written by Rick Riordan, who also wrote the Percy Jackson series, which are excellent. Featuring Sadie and Carter, siblings who grew up separately as a result of a nasty custody battle, one based in London and one travelling around the world with his father, this series focuses on Egyptian mythology and the impending apocalypse as a result of Apophis. We learn that there are a number of Egyptian wizarding houses throughout the world, known as Nomes. We’re also introduced to a lot of the Egyptian Gods and Goddesses. The coolest characters in the series are probably Bast, the goddess of cats, and Bes the God of Dwarves.
Verdict:
This series is okay. The interaction between Sadie and Carter is quite funny and the plot line moves well. However, I would definitely say that the Percy Jackson series is much much better. I’m not sure whether this is because I prefer (and am more familiar with) Greek and Roman mythology as opposed to Egyptian mythology although this is probably a major factor. I just found the goals and plotlines in the Percy Jackson series more relatable and the characters more interesting. I also find Sadie’s love triangle with Anubis and Wade kind of annoying. For some reason I found that with a lot of the action scenes I read over sections without absorbing anything I read. There are funny scenes in the book and I think Sadie is the better narrator. If you do read the series you’ll know what I mean when I refer to the ‘Jelly Baby Curse’ as very funny.
Thief with No Shadow-Emily Gee-
Melke is a wraith whose brother has been kidnapped by the salamanders. As such she has stolen a necklace made from the tears of a mysterious fairytale creature. We encountered this creature later on in the book and he/she is very unpleasant and rapey. The storyline features quite a lot of rape/forced sex scenes which are related to the events in the book but still feel unnecessary. Bastian sal Vere is the male love interest of this book and he has to give this necklace of tears to the snake like fairy creature or else his sister will be raped and killed. Hence, he’s pretty unhappy with Melke. He spends the first part of the book ignoring her and the second half obsessed with her. At the same time he’s solving the mystery of who killed a pregnant woman in his hometown. However, most of this feels irrelevant as you know from the first few pages how events are going to unfold.
Verdict:
Essentially a love story with a lot of violent plot lines thrown in. For all that it’s quite a good read. I will probably read more books by this author. I’m definitely going to read The Sentinel Mage which from its blurb seems awesome.
Friday 13 January 2012
Adventure Novels
Hey! After having the worst week ever I was cheered up by the arrival of book packages. This joy was undiminished by the fact that the surly postman actually chucked the packages at my window when I didn't answer the door fast enough. I also had an unfortunate incident with my mobile phone; thanks to general lameness my mobile can no longer do anything except text and call people. Hence, I can no longer lock my phone. So when I took my phone out of my bag this morning, I discovered that I had sent 8 texts to some guy called Aaron. I don't think I've ever met this person and I definitely don't know why I have his number. Our only interaction so far is that for the last few weeks since my phone lost its ability to lock itself, it's been going crazy and sending loads of text to some guy I've never met. Today he decided to do something about it. He sent me a text which said can you please stop sending me these texts. I wanted to tell the truth which was "I'm not sending you these texts...It's all the phone! The phone is evil! Save yourself! Instead I had to give a socially acceptable answer (i.e. a lie). I texted back. "Sorry. My phone can no longer lock itself. I'm getting it fixed tomorrow". Why did I say that? Now I may have to spend my weekend going to a phone shop...Lame. When recounting this text correspondence to my friend (known as T for Tinpot), she texted back that I seemed to have an adventurous life. She said the same thing when I texted her to inform her that having missed the ferry I was now spending 9 hours in a small town in Wales.
The main point of this is that clearly people's definitions of adventure differ. My adventures seem to consist of encounters with weirdos who chuck things at me, missing ferries, and getting text yelled at by a stranger. Meanwhile the types of adventures I enjoy reading about are (unsurprisingly) very different from the above scenarios. Here follows the best authors of adventure novels I've read.
Katherine Neville-Author of the Eight, A Calculated Risk, The Magic Circle and The Fire.
Scenario: Driving across America because my father thought that an American road trip would be fun (Top tip: Driving down the 101 is not 'magical', it's three hours staring at trees and wondering why Phantom Planet lied to me). We stopped at a petrol station and it was here I found the Eight. The Eight was so good that even though the road trip was not to end for another few days at this point I made my peace with it. The Eight is a book with two parallel stories, one set just before and then during the French revolution and one set in the US and Algeria in 1972. Our main character Catherine Velis works as an auditor who makes recomendations to companies. Owing to an ethical dispute with her boss the partners decide to send her to a backwater in order to punish her-so they send her to Algeria to investigate the development of a little thing called OPEC... What I like about the adventure genre in general is that most plot lines are based around geopolitics, history, religion, scientific innovations and superstition. As a result they tend to expand your horizons whilst providing you with hours of entertainment. Katherine Neville is not afraid to have real historical people as her characters (although this gets unnerving when a character in the Magic Circle which all the other characters refer to as Lucky and seem to like very much turns out to be Hitler. Hitler as a struggling artist but still; really didn't see it coming although when you read the book this plotline actually makes perfect sense. Katherine Neville has been involved in various different careers during her life (including being a computer programme and was actually an international consultant to the Algerian government during the creation of OPEC! And even though oil prices are now much higher then they were pre-OPEC, by the end of the Eight you can definitely see the rationale from the OPEC countries' perspective. Not owning a car I'm not immediately impacted by changes in oil prices so my main contribution to the subject is that it seems a shame that these countries didn't immediately plow back most of these gains into health and education programmes for their people like Norway did. But then Norway is probably the closest thing to heaven on earth. But as one of the founders of OPEC, a Venezuelan diplomat, Juan Pablo Pérez Alfonso said, "Ten years from now, twenty years from now, you will see: oil will bring us ruin … Oil is the Devil’s excrement". From a policy point of view it must be incredibly difficult to deal with a boom that's not of your economy's own making; it overvalues your currency, causing your home industries to become relatively uncompetitive, as well as triggering separatist movements, such as in Angola or Scotland. Anyway, the best thing about Katherine Neville's novels is that they all provide food for thought.
The foundation of OPEC is only one of many plotlines during the Eight. The main one is centred around the Montglane Service, a chess set once owned by Charlemagne, sought by many over the years because it contains within it the code that will lead to the the ultimate discovery. I also like the human factor in the Eight, with Lily and her ridiculous dog being pretty much my favourite characters.
A Calculated Risk is ultimately a story about the role of computers in banking. It's also a love story and accountability in finance. The characters are very vivid and the story flows well. Even if the premise doesn't sound like something you'd be interested in I would definitely urge you to consider trying them. Katherine Neville writes well and interestingly on issues that have a regrettable tendency to be discussed on a very technical basis. A bad author with a popular topic can write a book people can buy (witness the romantic novel industry; by this I mean Sara Craven), but an excellent author can write around a dull premise and produce interesting results. The Magic Circle is also pretty good but is definitely the most difficult to follow as it has the largest cast of characters (although I bet you won't forget that the Hitler character is known as Lucky by his friends!). Meanwhile, The Fire is the follow up to The Eight. I felt things were pretty much fine as they were but this book didn't really do any harm to The Eight and it was quite nice to catch up with your favourite characters and see where their lives had taken them.
Douglas Preston& Lincoln Child: Books I would recommend from these two would include Riptide and all the Pendergast novels. Pendergast, an FBI agent, is an abnormally pale man from the Southern states of America with blonde hair with a lot of family money as well as a lot of family secrets. This is one of those series when you realise how strongly the creation of a character dictates the storyline rather than the character responding to events from the storyline. This series strongly features the New York History Musuem which really makes me want to a) go there and b) work there (I assume that the high homicide rate of museum employees was dramatic license on the part of the authors). Starting with Relic, this series is a strong combination of science and supernatural events. The main professions featured in these novels are that are Anthropology, the New York Police Department, journalism (Smithback the journalist is hilarious and definitely my favourite character) and Medicine. The series first started out based around New York, but then started to follow Pendergast solely. Still Life with Crows for example, is based in Kansas. Each book rewards you with more information about Pendergast's life, yet at the same time leaves you wanting more. The main thing you learn is that his family are definitely in the gifted but loopy category. All the characters in this series are strong with their own distinctive voice and motivations. Unlike some adventure novels which rely on one action scence after another some of the most spine tingling moments take place while all the characters are in a room discussing the mystery. I can also definitely say that I have never guessed who the villain is until it's actually revealed, which is one of the best things you can say about an adventure novel. I cannot recommend the Pendergast series strongly enough. They are truly excellent and what doesn't make you paranoid keeps you informed.
The main point of this is that clearly people's definitions of adventure differ. My adventures seem to consist of encounters with weirdos who chuck things at me, missing ferries, and getting text yelled at by a stranger. Meanwhile the types of adventures I enjoy reading about are (unsurprisingly) very different from the above scenarios. Here follows the best authors of adventure novels I've read.
Katherine Neville-Author of the Eight, A Calculated Risk, The Magic Circle and The Fire.
Scenario: Driving across America because my father thought that an American road trip would be fun (Top tip: Driving down the 101 is not 'magical', it's three hours staring at trees and wondering why Phantom Planet lied to me). We stopped at a petrol station and it was here I found the Eight. The Eight was so good that even though the road trip was not to end for another few days at this point I made my peace with it. The Eight is a book with two parallel stories, one set just before and then during the French revolution and one set in the US and Algeria in 1972. Our main character Catherine Velis works as an auditor who makes recomendations to companies. Owing to an ethical dispute with her boss the partners decide to send her to a backwater in order to punish her-so they send her to Algeria to investigate the development of a little thing called OPEC... What I like about the adventure genre in general is that most plot lines are based around geopolitics, history, religion, scientific innovations and superstition. As a result they tend to expand your horizons whilst providing you with hours of entertainment. Katherine Neville is not afraid to have real historical people as her characters (although this gets unnerving when a character in the Magic Circle which all the other characters refer to as Lucky and seem to like very much turns out to be Hitler. Hitler as a struggling artist but still; really didn't see it coming although when you read the book this plotline actually makes perfect sense. Katherine Neville has been involved in various different careers during her life (including being a computer programme and was actually an international consultant to the Algerian government during the creation of OPEC! And even though oil prices are now much higher then they were pre-OPEC, by the end of the Eight you can definitely see the rationale from the OPEC countries' perspective. Not owning a car I'm not immediately impacted by changes in oil prices so my main contribution to the subject is that it seems a shame that these countries didn't immediately plow back most of these gains into health and education programmes for their people like Norway did. But then Norway is probably the closest thing to heaven on earth. But as one of the founders of OPEC, a Venezuelan diplomat, Juan Pablo Pérez Alfonso said, "Ten years from now, twenty years from now, you will see: oil will bring us ruin … Oil is the Devil’s excrement". From a policy point of view it must be incredibly difficult to deal with a boom that's not of your economy's own making; it overvalues your currency, causing your home industries to become relatively uncompetitive, as well as triggering separatist movements, such as in Angola or Scotland. Anyway, the best thing about Katherine Neville's novels is that they all provide food for thought.
The foundation of OPEC is only one of many plotlines during the Eight. The main one is centred around the Montglane Service, a chess set once owned by Charlemagne, sought by many over the years because it contains within it the code that will lead to the the ultimate discovery. I also like the human factor in the Eight, with Lily and her ridiculous dog being pretty much my favourite characters.
A Calculated Risk is ultimately a story about the role of computers in banking. It's also a love story and accountability in finance. The characters are very vivid and the story flows well. Even if the premise doesn't sound like something you'd be interested in I would definitely urge you to consider trying them. Katherine Neville writes well and interestingly on issues that have a regrettable tendency to be discussed on a very technical basis. A bad author with a popular topic can write a book people can buy (witness the romantic novel industry; by this I mean Sara Craven), but an excellent author can write around a dull premise and produce interesting results. The Magic Circle is also pretty good but is definitely the most difficult to follow as it has the largest cast of characters (although I bet you won't forget that the Hitler character is known as Lucky by his friends!). Meanwhile, The Fire is the follow up to The Eight. I felt things were pretty much fine as they were but this book didn't really do any harm to The Eight and it was quite nice to catch up with your favourite characters and see where their lives had taken them.
Douglas Preston& Lincoln Child: Books I would recommend from these two would include Riptide and all the Pendergast novels. Pendergast, an FBI agent, is an abnormally pale man from the Southern states of America with blonde hair with a lot of family money as well as a lot of family secrets. This is one of those series when you realise how strongly the creation of a character dictates the storyline rather than the character responding to events from the storyline. This series strongly features the New York History Musuem which really makes me want to a) go there and b) work there (I assume that the high homicide rate of museum employees was dramatic license on the part of the authors). Starting with Relic, this series is a strong combination of science and supernatural events. The main professions featured in these novels are that are Anthropology, the New York Police Department, journalism (Smithback the journalist is hilarious and definitely my favourite character) and Medicine. The series first started out based around New York, but then started to follow Pendergast solely. Still Life with Crows for example, is based in Kansas. Each book rewards you with more information about Pendergast's life, yet at the same time leaves you wanting more. The main thing you learn is that his family are definitely in the gifted but loopy category. All the characters in this series are strong with their own distinctive voice and motivations. Unlike some adventure novels which rely on one action scence after another some of the most spine tingling moments take place while all the characters are in a room discussing the mystery. I can also definitely say that I have never guessed who the villain is until it's actually revealed, which is one of the best things you can say about an adventure novel. I cannot recommend the Pendergast series strongly enough. They are truly excellent and what doesn't make you paranoid keeps you informed.
Sunday 8 January 2012
new year's resolutions
Hey,
For 2012 I've decided that my new ambition is to learn how to cook (and do something useful with my ever expanding set of cookbooks...). When going online I discovered that everyone had this ambition also. Hmmm. The aim is to try and cook one new recipe every week and also to try avoiding making only sweet things. When I figure out how to create a new blog I will paste the link here. Meanwhile although I've been randomly busy this year my other resolution is to post here more regularly. So, look forward to that...Happy 2012! (8 days into it).
For 2012 I've decided that my new ambition is to learn how to cook (and do something useful with my ever expanding set of cookbooks...). When going online I discovered that everyone had this ambition also. Hmmm. The aim is to try and cook one new recipe every week and also to try avoiding making only sweet things. When I figure out how to create a new blog I will paste the link here. Meanwhile although I've been randomly busy this year my other resolution is to post here more regularly. So, look forward to that...Happy 2012! (8 days into it).
Sunday 4 September 2011
My foray into Harry Potter fan fiction
Watching the last Harry Potter movie last week (so good until the end when they screwed up the epic fight scene, seriously what the hell was that ?!), I was ever reminded of the complete lack of chemistry between the actors playing Harry and Ginny. At first I thought this was just fairly bad acting from the pair of them...then I thought maybe they're attempting to tell the unwritten story of Harry Potter? This is how I think it went.
Harry Potter: epilogue
It had been a difficult week for Harry. Killing Voldemort, saving the wizarding world, making peace with Snape…it all paled against what he had to do next. Sometimes when the war is over, things that could be settled on the battlefield would now have to go through the Human Rights Courts. First the Nuremburg trials, now the Wizengamot. Now seated in the witness box, Harry found his eyes surveying the crowd. His glance found Hermione looking tense but supportive, swept over Ron who looked confused, meeting Ginny’s who returned the stare and appeared to mouth something. Harry flinched and looked away, closing his eyes involuntarily.
“All rise for the case of Potter versus Weasley”, came a disembodied voice. “The allegations are as followed; Sexual assault, conspiracy to commit sexual assault and finally attempted rape. Will the accused stand”?
Looking dazed, as though she still couldn’t comprehend what was going on, Ginny stood up.
“How do you plea, Miss Weasley”? asked the newly appointed head of the Wizengamot, Chief Justice McGonagall. Ginny’s lawyer sprang up.
“If it pleases the court”, Ginny’s lawyer said, then stopped. She looked around and appeared to clutch at some empty air. “Damn it! I almost caught it that time”!
“Defence Counsel, Lovegood, kindly remember that you are representing your client against a very serious charge” said Chief Justice McGonagall. Harry had no idea why the Courts would have appointed Luna Lovegood. Not only had she not graduated, but she had never displayed the slightest interest or aptitude for wizarding law.
“I apologise Chief Justice”, replied Luna Lovegood, looking slightly abashed. “My client pleads not guilty”.
Harry stared at his shoes, wondering at the brazenness of the girl he had once considered dating.
Harry’s lawyer patted him comfortingly. “Don’t worry”, said Susan Bones, “We’ll win this case. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on”.
“When were you first made to feel uncomfortable by the defendant”? asked Susan Bones to Harry.
Harry took a deep breath, trying to get to his happy place. He was on his Firebolt flying free in the sky. He felt himself calming down. He stared ahead of him and tried to keep his voice steady.
“I was staying with my friend, Ron Weasley, at his house the Burrow”, Harry began. “I was just walking down the stairs when I was stopped by Ginny. She offered to tie my shoe laces. I tried to say no but she was too fast. She knelt down and I felt…violated. Like she was undressing me with her eyes. I thanked her and tried to put the incident behind me”.
Luna stood up. “So at no time did you vocalise your discomfort”? How was my client to know that anything was amiss”?
“Later on”, Harry said, ignoring the interruption, “I began to have dreams about her. Whenever I tried to sleep I would have flashbacks of the incident, remembering how powerless I felt. It made it really difficult for me to devote all my energies to destroying Voldemort, and thus saving the entire wizarding world”.
There was a sympathetic murmur from the crowd. Chief Justice McGonagall actually shook her fist in Ginny’s direction before remembering that she was supposed to be impartial.
“But the worst thing was, once I got to back to Hogwarts. From that point on it felt that everywhere I went she was following me, joining every activity I did. She even took my place on the Quidditch team. It was like she was trying to capture my essence”, or to engineer a situation where we would be alone together. And one day she succeeded”.
“I went to the Room of Requirement to dispose of my potion's book which at that point I suspected was filled with dark magic. And when I turned around there was Ginny. She ordered me to close my eyes and such was my fear of her that I obeyed. And that’s when the groping started”.
Harry bowed his head, trying to force himself to go on. He tried going back to his happy place, flying his firebolt during a Quidditch match. But this time Ginny was there, flying after him.
Chief Justice McGonagall looked at Ginny with disgust. Ginny tried to find her lawyer, but Luna had left ages ago, intent on capturing some nargles .
“In the absence of the defendants lawyer, this Court moves to convict the defendant on all charges. She is to be sentence to 15 months imprisonment in Azkaban. Hopefully when she comes out it will be with a new awareness of the rights of others to live their lives unafraid and unmolested”.
The Court erupted in a deafening haze of applause. Even Ron joined in before he realised what he was doing. Harry felt a weight lift of his shoulders. Finally the most traumatic event in his life could be put to rest.
It had been a difficult week for Harry. Killing Voldemort, saving the wizarding world, making peace with Snape…it all paled against what he had to do next. Sometimes when the war is over, things that could be settled on the battlefield would now have to go through the Human Rights Courts. First the Nuremburg trials, now the Wizengamot. Now seated in the witness box, Harry found his eyes surveying the crowd. His glance found Hermione looking tense but supportive, swept over Ron who looked confused, meeting Ginny’s who returned the stare and appeared to mouth something. Harry flinched and looked away, closing his eyes involuntarily.
“All rise for the case of Potter versus Weasley”, came a disembodied voice. “The allegations are as followed; Sexual assault, conspiracy to commit sexual assault and finally attempted rape. Will the accused stand”?
Looking dazed, as though she still couldn’t comprehend what was going on, Ginny stood up.
“How do you plea, Miss Weasley”? asked the newly appointed head of the Wizengamot, Chief Justice McGonagall. Ginny’s lawyer sprang up.
“If it pleases the court”, Ginny’s lawyer said, then stopped. She looked around and appeared to clutch at some empty air. “Damn it! I almost caught it that time”!
“Defence Counsel, Lovegood, kindly remember that you are representing your client against a very serious charge” said Chief Justice McGonagall. Harry had no idea why the Courts would have appointed Luna Lovegood. Not only had she not graduated, but she had never displayed the slightest interest or aptitude for wizarding law.
“I apologise Chief Justice”, replied Luna Lovegood, looking slightly abashed. “My client pleads not guilty”.
Harry stared at his shoes, wondering at the brazenness of the girl he had once considered dating.
Harry’s lawyer patted him comfortingly. “Don’t worry”, said Susan Bones, “We’ll win this case. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on”.
“When were you first made to feel uncomfortable by the defendant”? asked Susan Bones to Harry.
Harry took a deep breath, trying to get to his happy place. He was on his Firebolt flying free in the sky. He felt himself calming down. He stared ahead of him and tried to keep his voice steady.
“I was staying with my friend, Ron Weasley, at his house the Burrow”, Harry began. “I was just walking down the stairs when I was stopped by Ginny. She offered to tie my shoe laces. I tried to say no but she was too fast. She knelt down and I felt…violated. Like she was undressing me with her eyes. I thanked her and tried to put the incident behind me”.
Luna stood up. “So at no time did you vocalise your discomfort”? How was my client to know that anything was amiss”?
“Later on”, Harry said, ignoring the interruption, “I began to have dreams about her. Whenever I tried to sleep I would have flashbacks of the incident, remembering how powerless I felt. It made it really difficult for me to devote all my energies to destroying Voldemort, and thus saving the entire wizarding world”.
There was a sympathetic murmur from the crowd. Chief Justice McGonagall actually shook her fist in Ginny’s direction before remembering that she was supposed to be impartial.
“But the worst thing was, once I got to back to Hogwarts. From that point on it felt that everywhere I went she was following me, joining every activity I did. She even took my place on the Quidditch team. It was like she was trying to capture my essence”, or to engineer a situation where we would be alone together. And one day she succeeded”.
“I went to the Room of Requirement to dispose of my potion's book which at that point I suspected was filled with dark magic. And when I turned around there was Ginny. She ordered me to close my eyes and such was my fear of her that I obeyed. And that’s when the groping started”.
Harry bowed his head, trying to force himself to go on. He tried going back to his happy place, flying his firebolt during a Quidditch match. But this time Ginny was there, flying after him.
Chief Justice McGonagall looked at Ginny with disgust. Ginny tried to find her lawyer, but Luna had left ages ago, intent on capturing some nargles .
“In the absence of the defendants lawyer, this Court moves to convict the defendant on all charges. She is to be sentence to 15 months imprisonment in Azkaban. Hopefully when she comes out it will be with a new awareness of the rights of others to live their lives unafraid and unmolested”.
The Court erupted in a deafening haze of applause. Even Ron joined in before he realised what he was doing. Harry felt a weight lift of his shoulders. Finally the most traumatic event in his life could be put to rest.
Will Ginny escape from wizarding prison? Find out soon…
Thursday 25 August 2011
Food and the hungry author
Food and the hungry author
A lot of books mentioned food. This is because, regardless of what a character is doing they eventually have to eat. That is unless you are a very bad author who wishes to kill their character through neglect… Some authors intertwine food within a plot until food is essentially one of the supporting characters. Others ignore food, or act like it’s a distasteful topic. This seems a shame because cooking is an art form, and any book which ignores food seems to deliberately deprive itself of an area of analysis. Even if an authors writing an adventure novel and the characters are constantly running around, defying death, saving the world etc…food is still important. A notable example of this is the Percy Jackson series and his obsession with eating blue food. It was just a fun fact to know about the characters. Having said that, some of my books on the list may be judged as unfair, and people are more than welcome to submit their own opinions of suggestions. This is a blog after all, not an online diary. If you were lame and into puns when you read this you may write down a reply that determined to make me eat my words. Good luck with that.
Also, in an effort to double my readership from one, this blog is collaborating with my friend Chloe, an awesome cook and historian J The plan is that she’ll create recipes based on my reviews. And then we’ll eat them. Hopefully only the ones from the best mentions. The recipes created from the worst mentions shall be served to our enemies.
So here is the best and the worst food references in literature.
Best:
A list of books which mentioned food would be incomplete without a mention of Joanne Harris. When her characters aren’t talking about food, they’re eating it or spying on their enemies through scrying chocolate…I have read others of her books, but without food, they didn’t stick together that well. Five quarters of the Orange was excellent, and Chocolat and its sequel the Girl with the Lollipop Shoes remain two of my favourite books. Thankfully, Joanne Harris has realised that people prefer reading about food in the French countryside rather than paedophilia in the Victorian era. However, I do think she’s gone off into the deep end in Blackberry Wine, which is narrated by a Wine Bottle.
(Chloe) Joanne Harris is the queen of seductive food descriptions. What's wonderful about her books is that the food isn't just a sideshow but an integral part of the book: in the case of Blackberry Wine it's a character in itself!
Blackberry Wine is an interesting novel about how things can be simpler than they seem, which is not usually the way in novels! Given that the narration is carried out by a bottle of blackberry wine I have paid homage to it with a recipe for blackberry and orange cordial, as I'm not really at the stage of wanting to ferment my own wines (which I wouldn't drink anyway). (I have made cheese though).
Paying my due respects to Chocolat requires, of course, something in chocolate. Being seductive about chocolate is easy, of course, but in Chocolat Harris shows that pleasure can involve pain and sacrifice, symbolised effectively by one character's love for chocolate and sweets despite the diabetes which is causing her to go blind. I made rich, seductive Beacon Hill cookies – not very French, admittedly – to use up some egg whites I had in the freezer.
Five Quarters of the Orange is my favourite Harris book – I am after all a historian (supposedly) and the book is set partly in occupied France. Although I should perhaps make something with oranges – a Moorish orange salad, or a sweet-tart sorbet or even, I chose instead to celebrate the cherry. An odd choice? Not really. In several books Harris' characters make references to a homemade cherry liqueur which involves preserving cherries in sugar and kirsch.
Blackberry Wine is an interesting novel about how things can be simpler than they seem, which is not usually the way in novels! Given that the narration is carried out by a bottle of blackberry wine I have paid homage to it with a recipe for blackberry and orange cordial, as I'm not really at the stage of wanting to ferment my own wines (which I wouldn't drink anyway). (I have made cheese though).
Paying my due respects to Chocolat requires, of course, something in chocolate. Being seductive about chocolate is easy, of course, but in Chocolat Harris shows that pleasure can involve pain and sacrifice, symbolised effectively by one character's love for chocolate and sweets despite the diabetes which is causing her to go blind. I made rich, seductive Beacon Hill cookies – not very French, admittedly – to use up some egg whites I had in the freezer.
Five Quarters of the Orange is my favourite Harris book – I am after all a historian (supposedly) and the book is set partly in occupied France. Although I should perhaps make something with oranges – a Moorish orange salad, or a sweet-tart sorbet or even, I chose instead to celebrate the cherry. An odd choice? Not really. In several books Harris' characters make references to a homemade cherry liqueur which involves preserving cherries in sugar and kirsch.
The last Chinese Chef: Nicole Mones: So many evocative descriptions of food that I almost don’t know where to start…so I’ll start with the plot line. This is a book that relied heavily on imagery and good writing to mask a lack of plot or character development. Therefore, even though this book was actually a really relaxing read, I probably wouldn’t read it again, because the two main plot lines peter out towards the end and it seems like there’s no real resolution. Having said that I did enjoy it, just mostly from a food basis. And this is just a minor point, but one of the main characters is a food critic, yet she’s really excited by candy corn. Couldn’t figure out whether that fact annoyed me or not since candy corn is the most disappointing item in the world of sweets.
(Chloe) I haven't read The Last Chinese Chef but I have read Fuschia Dunlop's foodie memoir Shark's Fin and Sichuan Pepper, which made me crave all sorts of Chinese food which I have never actually eaten. Fuschia's memoir is all about authentic Chinese food and eating experiences – including the eating of endangered animals, which I thought was a pretty brave thing to admit to. Based on the reviews, The Last Chinese Chef is about a woman's journey where she discovers a lot about true Chinese cuisine and its complexities and variations. Inspired, I made Fuschia's fish-flavour aubergines, which is apparently one of her favourite recipes. Fish-flavour does not actually mean there's fish in the dish; it refers to the aromatics, which are traditionally used in fish cookery.
As The Last Chinese Chef is about an American food writer in China, I made that Chinese-American classic General Tso's chicken.
Harry Potter series; J K Rowling created a world with a lot of holes in it. A notable example is the fact that ostensibly 50% of wizards are married to muggles and yet wizards know nothing about them. Also, am I the only one who thought that Arthur Weasley sounded like he was really bad at his job? He knew nothing about muggles yet had spent twenty years working in a department which oversaw interactions with them… anyway this has nothing to do the food in the series which sounded excellent. Butterbeer, Berty Botts every flavour beans, and chocolate frogs all sounded cool, and HoneyDukes is one of the main reasons why I was left disappointed on my 11th birthday. That, and I can’t do magic and stuff…
Marsha Mehran. Pomegranate Soup-Three Iranian sisters, recovering from the Revolution have decided to open a restaurant in rural Ireland. Unfortunately the local lunatic has decided that their shop would be the perfect place for a disco. The obvious answer that given that the piece of space they’re debating is in the middle of nowhere why would either of these endeavors be a good idea? Alternatively, given the price of land in Ireland, he could have just bought some land outside of town to make into a strange retro disco arena. However, in terms of food, this book is awesome. It even has recipes at the back, which books which are based around food should always do.
Meet me at the cupcake café: Any book which is about cupcakes will appeal to me. Every recipe in the book sounded delicious and made me wish this café had opened in real life.
Books I haven’t read but sound like they would have good food in them:
Like Water, for Chocolate. A Mexican epic, which I shall buy soon.
(Chloe)I have actually read Laura Esquivel's 'Like Water for Chocolate', which is a book both passionate and frustrating. The descriptions of food and emotions (of course the two do more or less blend into one in this magical realist work) are powerful and convincing, but unfortunately the choice Tita makes towards the end of the novel really frustrated me. She sacrificed the happy life she could have had for a secretive double life. I know the point was that passion conquers all, but I must not be a very passionate person because it truly didn't convince me. My heart really ached for Dr John and I cast the book aside in anger when it was finished.
I made that classic Mexican dish, the mole, which features in the book along with the obligatory square of dark, bitter chocolate. Chocolate doesn't feature in the novel as much as you might think from the title; it alludes to the idea of being 'like water for chocolate' when melting chocolate in a bain marie – i.e., boiling, full of anger and passion. This is appropriate given how everyone in the novel is continuously either full of hatred or full of desire.
Unsurprisingly I chose not to make the Chabela wedding cake – given that it required 180 eggs and gave all the guests food poisoning! However I have honoured it with a recipe of Mexican wedding cakes, which are very similar to Russian teacakes
I made that classic Mexican dish, the mole, which features in the book along with the obligatory square of dark, bitter chocolate. Chocolate doesn't feature in the novel as much as you might think from the title; it alludes to the idea of being 'like water for chocolate' when melting chocolate in a bain marie – i.e., boiling, full of anger and passion. This is appropriate given how everyone in the novel is continuously either full of hatred or full of desire.
Unsurprisingly I chose not to make the Chabela wedding cake – given that it required 180 eggs and gave all the guests food poisoning! However I have honoured it with a recipe of Mexican wedding cakes, which are very similar to Russian teacakes
Worst: Stieg Larsson; His characters really didn’t eat that well. By the end of the trilogy you were wondering whether Billy Pan was a friend of his. They definitely got a fair bit of publicity out of this series, thus forever answering the age old question of what should you eat whilst on the run for a triple homicide…In terms of quality of writing, the girl with the dragon tattoo series was great though. It kills me that there were meant to be 10 and that the fourth is written but will probably never be published because of disputes over the will.
M.L.N. Hanover: This series is slightly intriguing. A college drop-out learns that her uncle has died, leaving her with both a substantial inheritance and a dangerous task. Kind of been here before, so it’s not a particularly adventurous beginning. However, it’s disappointing to have read three books in this series, without any background becoming apparent. Her family are Christian and don’t like her that much, we get it. Anyway, the reason this book is one the list is because the protagonist lists everything she eats, and I meant everything. An extra 10,000 words is added to this book, due to the main characters annoying habit of listing everything she ate. Unless, this is the authors’ subtle way of letting us know she has an eating disorder, or suffers from OCD, it’s irritating so knock it off.
(Chloe) For the demon book I'm going to make devilled chicken thighs! with devilled potatoes and devil's food cake...maybe
Thursday 23 June 2011
Top 10 Authors who’ve committed crimes against fiction
Top 10 Authors who’ve committed crimes against fiction
I like to think that I’m generally a positive person, fun and easy going. So, why did I yesterday flip out when a friend of mine (the one with the unicorn fetish) started talking about a new author she had heard about…Lindsey Kelk? My blood pressure rose a few million degrees as I realised that the reason I recognised her name was because I had had the misfortune of reading one of her books….I heart New York. This book is possibly the worst book ever. It has an empty-headed heroine, a ridiculous storyline, strange and bizarre supporting characters, and of course the endless fashion name dropping which comes with any booked geared solely at women. The first chapter ends with our heroine peeing in a designer bag her boyfriend got her, having just assaulted her best friend on her wedding day. Possibly the worst maid of honour ever. In fairness to her, she had just found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her with his tennis partner; and that her best friend and her now husband had continued to play doubles with them without thinking to mention this new development to her. First unbelievable fact; whose BEST FRIEND, who isn’t particularly close to the boyfriend, doesn’t mention that the boyfriend is seeing someone else? Secondly, whose reaction to this is to fly to New York with no friends, money, employment prospects? Maybe as a holiday but definitely not forever. The sad thing about this heroine is she only seemed to have two people in her life, her boyfriend and her best friend. While these two may be the closest to her, it’s impossible to believe they’re the only people she knows in the world…Thirdly, we get to the part where the first person she meets offers her a place to live, the hotel receptionist. Fourthly, we get to the fact that without much trouble and within fifty pages of actual dialogue (some books, once you cut out the meaningless description and fashion tips, are surprisingly empty), the heroine ends up dating both an investment banker and a lead singer of a famous indie band. It’s fiction, I should probably let it go…..but why can’t some authors go beyond cookie cutter characters? Is it so much to ask? Just to add to my anger, she ends up getting a job with a company writing a blog about her life as a single women in New York, like that idea’s never been done before, and like she’s the only foreigner in New York who’s single. I have a weird issue with blogs, which is funny because I’m currently writing one; the internet is great and one of the greatest things invented ever. However, my position is that the internet has no place in fiction. I have yet to see any case where a character using the internet instead of working out clues on their own isn’t a massive let down. Part of the reason why the House of Night series became so abysmal is because the characters began using the internet, watching glee and following people on twitter whilst hiding in the sewers, fighting for their lives. It’s clearly a stupid combination. I would be delighted to be proven wrong, but I don’t think a single series of books has been improved by having access to the internet. Imagine the Harry Potter series, if Dumbledore had left Harry Potter an email detailing how to destroy and identify Voldemorts (still feels weird to write his name, but it’s okay he’s definitely dead now, by all accounts he died in 1997 and Harry Potter is currently 32 years old..) horcruxes instead of making him look at pensieve memories. Although, we get to another point of asking, excusing the obvious answer, why did Harry never go to see Dumbledore with problems? Why did he try to figure out everything by himself even when it made no sense? Also, while we’re on the topic, why did Dumbledore not just tell Harry everything he knew immediately, rather than making him see him on several different occasions, feeding him information gradually and in convenient chapter sized chunks? So many mysteries…..
List of authors convicted and sentence in Ariadnes Literary Court of Law (which is currently under construction in an unknown location).
Lindsey Kelk; Crime for writing the worst book in the history of the world. Punishment; having her book thrown in the bin, and 2 years community service to read non-picture books before trying again.
Sunny-What can you say about such a disturbing author? Please can you have a plot line which doesn’t revolve around a Mary Sue character who sleeps with people to gain their powers? Punishment; A less grievous offence than Lindsey Kelk is reflected by the Courts lenient decision to have her be forced to introduce a well-rounded character into her series.
Sara Craven-I’m not sure that a Mills& Boon writer can be counted as an author in life……but for the purpose of the Court she is. Crime. Having written more than one book where the heroine is raped by the hero but is made to feel bad for her actions and end up marrying him. Punishment; That this author should never be allowed to write again, particularly not in erotic fiction given her own, disturbed views on female sexuality.
Patricia McKiliip-Was tricked by Amazon into thinking this was a good author. Made the mistake of buying five of her books only to find that all were terrible. The few that weren’t just rewrites of fairytales, an increasing practice in the book world which is getting incredibly irritating; when Hollywood fails to come up with any movies which aren’t sequels or remakes, who in the literary world thought that was a good trend to follow? Od Magic is terrible with a plot line which makes no sense and no sign that it was in the middle of a trilogy, the only mitigating circumstances this Court accepts. Sentence; I got burnt on this one. The sentence is only a verbal warning, in that I will warn anyone who asks against this author.
Lyndsay Sands-Like Sunny she has been mentioned in this blog before. Her crime was to write the worst vampire series ever. Punishment; to be buried up to her neck in sand, for no reason except that her last name is Sands and she wrote a terrible vampire novel. Hmmm, put like that, this sounds slightly unreasonable. Her lawyer could probably find the grounds to appeal this sentence, if he’s not too busy with a shovel.
Alyson Noel-For her incredibly original reverse twilight story which was clearly ‘inspired’ by many other peoples work. Sentence; this Court can only marvel that no one in the real world has filed any claims against her.
Gabriella Poole-Reason for sentencing. For books that are essentially a vampire novel, but which become a book about incubi halfway through, with a Mary Sue character who’s only ‘flaw’ is being poor…Sentence; because the books looked by the third one that there might be a plot line, and despite the gimmickiness of having a boarding school which relocates every term to a different country as well as the conspiracy theory perpetuated throughout the book that every famous person is possessed by an incubi, Gabriella Poole gets a suspended sentence. Only after the fourth book of her series, will her fate be decided. On the blog only obviously, because sadly this Court has very little legitimacy in the non-fiction world.
The sentencing for the next three authors has been delayed because of problems with paperwork. Will come soon!
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