Top 10 Authors who’ve committed crimes against fiction

Top 10 Authors who’ve committed crimes against fiction

    I like to think that I’m generally a positive person, fun and easy going. So, why did I yesterday flip out when a friend of mine (the one with the unicorn fetish) started talking about a new author she had heard about…Lindsey Kelk? My blood pressure rose a few million degrees as I realised that the reason I recognised her name was because I had had the misfortune of reading one of her books….I heart New York. This book is possibly the worst book ever. It has an empty-headed heroine, a ridiculous storyline, strange and bizarre supporting characters, and of course the endless fashion name dropping which comes with any booked geared solely at women.  The first chapter ends with our heroine peeing in a designer bag her boyfriend got her, having just assaulted her best friend on her wedding day. Possibly the worst maid of honour ever. In fairness to her, she had just found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her with his tennis partner; and that her best friend and her now husband had continued to play doubles with them without thinking to mention this new development to her. First unbelievable fact; whose BEST FRIEND, who isn’t particularly close to the boyfriend, doesn’t mention that the boyfriend is seeing someone else? Secondly, whose reaction to this is to fly to New York with no friends, money, employment prospects? Maybe as a holiday but definitely not forever. The sad thing about this heroine is she only seemed to have two people in her life, her boyfriend and her best friend. While these two may be the closest to her, it’s impossible to believe they’re the only people she knows in the world…Thirdly, we get to the part where the first person she meets offers her a place to live, the hotel receptionist. Fourthly, we get to the fact that without much trouble and within fifty pages of actual dialogue (some books, once you cut out the meaningless description and fashion tips, are surprisingly empty), the heroine ends up dating both an investment banker and a lead singer of a famous indie band. It’s fiction, I should probably let it go…..but why can’t some authors go beyond cookie cutter characters? Is it so much to ask? Just to add to my anger, she ends up getting a job with a company writing a blog about her life as a single women in New York, like that idea’s never been done before, and like she’s the only foreigner in New York who’s single. I have a weird issue with blogs, which is funny because I’m currently writing one; the internet is great and one of the greatest things invented ever. However, my position is that the internet has no place in fiction. I have yet to see any case where a character using the internet instead of working out clues on their own isn’t a massive let down. Part of the reason why the House of Night series became so abysmal is because the characters began using the internet, watching glee and following people on twitter whilst hiding in the sewers, fighting for their lives. It’s clearly a stupid combination. I would be delighted to be proven wrong, but I don’t think a single series of books has been improved by having access to the internet. Imagine the Harry Potter series, if Dumbledore had left Harry Potter an email detailing how to destroy and identify Voldemorts (still feels weird to write his name, but it’s okay he’s definitely dead now, by all accounts he died in 1997 and Harry Potter is currently 32 years old..) horcruxes instead of making him look at pensieve memories. Although, we get to another point of asking, excusing the obvious answer, why did Harry never go to see Dumbledore with problems? Why did he try to figure out everything by himself even when it made no sense? Also, while we’re on the topic, why did Dumbledore not just tell Harry everything he knew immediately, rather than making him see him on several different occasions, feeding him information gradually and in convenient chapter sized chunks? So many mysteries…..

List of authors convicted and sentence in Ariadnes Literary Court of Law (which is currently under construction in an unknown location).

Lindsey Kelk; Crime for writing the worst book in the history of the world. Punishment; having her book thrown in the bin, and 2 years community service to read non-picture books before trying again.

Sunny-What can you say about such a disturbing author? Please can you have a plot line which doesn’t revolve around a Mary Sue character who sleeps with people to gain their powers? Punishment; A less grievous offence than Lindsey Kelk is reflected by the Courts lenient decision to have her be forced to introduce a well-rounded character into her series.

Sara Craven-I’m not sure that a Mills& Boon writer can be counted as an author in life……but for the purpose of the Court she is. Crime. Having written more than one book where the heroine is raped by the hero but is made to feel bad for her actions and end up marrying him. Punishment; That this author should never be allowed to write again, particularly not in erotic fiction given her own, disturbed views on female sexuality.

Patricia McKiliip-Was tricked by Amazon into thinking this was a good author. Made the mistake of buying five of her books only to find that all were terrible.  The few that weren’t just rewrites of fairytales, an increasing practice in the book world which is getting incredibly irritating; when Hollywood fails to come up with any movies which aren’t sequels or remakes, who in the literary world thought that was a good trend to follow? Od Magic is terrible with a plot line which makes no sense and no sign that it was in the middle of a trilogy, the only mitigating circumstances this Court accepts. Sentence; I got burnt on this one. The sentence is only a verbal warning, in that I will warn anyone who asks against this author.

Lyndsay Sands-Like Sunny she has been mentioned in this blog before. Her crime was to write the worst vampire series ever. Punishment; to be buried up to her neck in sand, for no reason except that her last name is Sands and she wrote a terrible vampire novel. Hmmm, put like that, this sounds slightly unreasonable. Her lawyer could probably find the grounds to appeal this sentence, if he’s not too busy with a shovel.

Alyson Noel-For her incredibly original reverse twilight story which was clearly ‘inspired’ by many other peoples work. Sentence; this Court can only marvel that no one in the real world has filed any claims against her.

Gabriella Poole-Reason for sentencing. For books that are essentially a vampire novel, but which become a book about incubi halfway through, with  a Mary Sue character who’s only ‘flaw’ is being poor…Sentence; because the books looked by the third one that there might be a plot line, and despite the gimmickiness of having a boarding school which relocates every term to a different country as well as the conspiracy theory perpetuated throughout the book that every famous person is possessed by an incubi, Gabriella Poole gets a suspended sentence. Only after the fourth book of her series, will her fate be decided. On the blog only obviously, because sadly this Court has very little legitimacy in the non-fiction world.

The sentencing for the next three authors has been delayed because of problems with paperwork. Will come soon!